Wanna watch Idol with me?

Well, even if you don't, you're gonna. Because I'm typing while I'm watching. And all you non-Idol fans, please just stick with me for this week and next. Like I said yesterday, ya gotta love me through my blogger's block.

Queue hard charging Idol music....

Ryan: We are down to three contestants. It is THE closest the competition has ever been (yeah, uh huh, sure.) Tonight our contestants sing three songs: one chosen by the judges, one chosen by the performers, one chosen by the producers. One of them is on the brink of superstardom. All of them are at your mercy. THIS....is A-MERican Idol.

Queue more hard charging Idol music....

Welcome to Idol. I am Ryan Seacrest. Let us say "Hi" to our judges...

Say hello to Raaaaandy Jackson. "Yo, what up dawg."
What the heck is he wearing? That is a baaaaad shirt. And I don't mean good, bad. I mean, bad bad. Is he leaving for the islands soon? And please explain to me why he is wearing candy bracelets?

And here's the lovely, talented, and "glittery" Paula Abdul.
I'm not making this stuff up people. I'm just typin what I hear. I gotta say, she does look lovely not to mention lucid. Oh and glittery.

And the man that hasn't aged a bit since we started, "Simon Cowell!"
Yeah, and he hasn't changed that sweater either.

Clap, clap, boo, yahoo, clap, clap...The girls in the mosh pit screamin and hollerin. When did they start that mosh pit? How much do you think they paid to get into that thing. And don't they all look like they are dressed for prom?

Ryan: Ladies and Gentlemen, here are your top three contestants: One of them is the next American Idol (Oh really. Glad that was clarified for me. )

All our contestants just arrived back from home town visits. Let's go to Murray City, Utah where David Archuleta received a heroes welcome (I made that part up) from the motorcycle mustachioed mayor (my words, not Ryan's but he did have an awful mustache) Mayor so and so says, "David Archuleta, I have a very special message from someone who really really loves you (I am so creeped out right now). 'Please tell David that I have chosen "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel for him to sing this Tuesday.' Signed "Forever Your Girl," Paula Abdul." Gross, ick, I need a shower. She is old enough to be his mother.

Cheers and Applause (well that is what the closed caption said, anyways)

Paula: I chose this song for you David to showcase your vocals. It will exploit your beautiful voice. (Now I really need a shower.)
Ryan: What do you think, David.
David: It's a really pretty song. I'm excited. (Yeah sure he is. What he's really thinking is "Who's Billy Joel?)

And he sings, "And so it Goes"

Judges had this to say:

Debbie: Not bad, not bad. I thought it was really good, actually.
Randy: David, check it out man. You know what I'm happy about at this moment for you? (No Randy, tell us.) Paula chose a "dope" song for you man. (dope=good. Surely you knew they were synonyms.) You can sing anything, man. That Billy Joel thing works for you, man. I would love to see you on the piano, man. It don't matter, dude. David A is in the zone. You are in it to win it, baby." Yes, all of this word for word from a 50 something year old man.
Paula: It was pure and stunning and you are a story teller tonight. And it was beautiful and so on and so on and so on.
Simon: Yeah, it was very good. No surprises. A bit predictable.

Next up: Syesha. "Oh would you look at that I got a text from Randy." "I'll be singing Alicia Keys something or other. Oh I just love her. Thanks Randy."

Here's what the judges had to say:
Debbie: Not bad. Not bad.
Randy: I am so happy you are peaking right now. This is why you are staying in there at number three" Wha? Isn't that a dig? Staying in at number three means you aren't going to the final two.
Paula: You're beautiful.
Simon: You sang well. It was too predictable.

I'm losing steam here folks. I need to start paraphrasing.

David Cook appeared on the Fox affiliate wherever he lives and just so happened to receive a text from Simon saying that he would be singing a Roberta Flack song. He grimaced.

Debbie: That was my favorite performance of his so far. I literally had goosebumps.
Randy: Check it out Check it out baby. You can sing. You can sing the phone book. I'm a big fan, but I wish Simon would have picked something less predictable. I wanna see you rock baby. (He sang Roberta Flack, Randy! Roberta. Flack. Not Robert Plant. How is that predictable?)
Paula: That is one of my all time favorite songs. You are now my second favorite person to perform it.
Simon. That was your best performance to date. Cowell and Cook win.

Well alrighty then.

Okay so the rest of the performances went like this:

Round Two: Contestant selection.

David A sang some hip hop song that made him look awkward and silly. The judges all but laughed and told him it wasn't believable. And it wasn't. It was awful.

Syesha basically did a strip tease to the song "Fever." Simon said, it was a "lame cabaret performance." It wasn't THAT bad. But it proves my whole theory that she is not cut out to be a contemporary recording artist.

David Cook sang a "Switchfoot" song. I love "Switchfoot," but it wasn't his best. Paula had the quirkiest comment about David Cook: There wasn't a beginning middle and end. Yeah. Ok.

Third round: producers pick

David A sang "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg which droned on L O N G E R than it should have. It was just all wrong on so many levels. I literally started to fall asleep during the song. What a buzzkill.
Randy said again "you can sing the phone book, you are in the zone, another hot one from you." What is he smoking. Randy, it was Dan Fogelberg. The song is played on adult oldie stations. It will never be hot. Tepid, maybe. Hot, never.

Paula said it was a lovely performance. Lovely! Lovely? Boys don't have lovely performances!

Simon said he wasn't going to criticize him, but the song and the lyrics were horrible. They were gooey. I'm sure David felt like he was the choir and Simon was a preachin. David had no say in the song selection.

Syesha sang some booty shaking tune that I think I've heard. Not sure what it was. All agreed that it was "a'ight" but they still don't know who she is as an artist. That's because she is really an actress who can sing.

David Cook sang "I don't want to Miss a Thing" made famous by Aerosmith. It was really really good.

For Randy it was just "a'ight." He's nuts. To use his words, it was "da bomb".
Paula stood giving him an ovation, also revealing that part of her blouse was leather or vinyl or rubber or what came to my mind," ugly." Nonetheless, she predicted with a sassy finger twirl that David C was going to the finals.
Simon then announced that David won the night.

And for the first time in weeks, I voted. And yes, for David Cook. Three times.

That's it. Gotta go. Peace out or whatever it is the "yutes" say these days.