Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Wanna watch Idol with me?

Well, even if you don't, you're gonna. Because I'm typing while I'm watching. And all you non-Idol fans, please just stick with me for this week and next. Like I said yesterday, ya gotta love me through my blogger's block.

Queue hard charging Idol music....

Ryan: We are down to three contestants. It is THE closest the competition has ever been (yeah, uh huh, sure.) Tonight our contestants sing three songs: one chosen by the judges, one chosen by the performers, one chosen by the producers. One of them is on the brink of superstardom. All of them are at your mercy. THIS....is A-MERican Idol.

Queue more hard charging Idol music....

Welcome to Idol. I am Ryan Seacrest. Let us say "Hi" to our judges...

Say hello to Raaaaandy Jackson. "Yo, what up dawg."
What the heck is he wearing? That is a baaaaad shirt. And I don't mean good, bad. I mean, bad bad. Is he leaving for the islands soon? And please explain to me why he is wearing candy bracelets?

And here's the lovely, talented, and "glittery" Paula Abdul.
I'm not making this stuff up people. I'm just typin what I hear. I gotta say, she does look lovely not to mention lucid. Oh and glittery.

And the man that hasn't aged a bit since we started, "Simon Cowell!"
Yeah, and he hasn't changed that sweater either.

Clap, clap, boo, yahoo, clap, clap...The girls in the mosh pit screamin and hollerin. When did they start that mosh pit? How much do you think they paid to get into that thing. And don't they all look like they are dressed for prom?

Ryan: Ladies and Gentlemen, here are your top three contestants: One of them is the next American Idol (Oh really. Glad that was clarified for me. )

All our contestants just arrived back from home town visits. Let's go to Murray City, Utah where David Archuleta received a heroes welcome (I made that part up) from the motorcycle mustachioed mayor (my words, not Ryan's but he did have an awful mustache) Mayor so and so says, "David Archuleta, I have a very special message from someone who really really loves you (I am so creeped out right now). 'Please tell David that I have chosen "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel for him to sing this Tuesday.' Signed "Forever Your Girl," Paula Abdul." Gross, ick, I need a shower. She is old enough to be his mother.

Cheers and Applause (well that is what the closed caption said, anyways)

Paula: I chose this song for you David to showcase your vocals. It will exploit your beautiful voice. (Now I really need a shower.)
Ryan: What do you think, David.
David: It's a really pretty song. I'm excited. (Yeah sure he is. What he's really thinking is "Who's Billy Joel?)

And he sings, "And so it Goes"

Judges had this to say:

Debbie: Not bad, not bad. I thought it was really good, actually.
Randy: David, check it out man. You know what I'm happy about at this moment for you? (No Randy, tell us.) Paula chose a "dope" song for you man. (dope=good. Surely you knew they were synonyms.) You can sing anything, man. That Billy Joel thing works for you, man. I would love to see you on the piano, man. It don't matter, dude. David A is in the zone. You are in it to win it, baby." Yes, all of this word for word from a 50 something year old man.
Paula: It was pure and stunning and you are a story teller tonight. And it was beautiful and so on and so on and so on.
Simon: Yeah, it was very good. No surprises. A bit predictable.

Next up: Syesha. "Oh would you look at that I got a text from Randy." "I'll be singing Alicia Keys something or other. Oh I just love her. Thanks Randy."

Here's what the judges had to say:
Debbie: Not bad. Not bad.
Randy: I am so happy you are peaking right now. This is why you are staying in there at number three" Wha? Isn't that a dig? Staying in at number three means you aren't going to the final two.
Paula: You're beautiful.
Simon: You sang well. It was too predictable.

I'm losing steam here folks. I need to start paraphrasing.

David Cook appeared on the Fox affiliate wherever he lives and just so happened to receive a text from Simon saying that he would be singing a Roberta Flack song. He grimaced.

Debbie: That was my favorite performance of his so far. I literally had goosebumps.
Randy: Check it out Check it out baby. You can sing. You can sing the phone book. I'm a big fan, but I wish Simon would have picked something less predictable. I wanna see you rock baby. (He sang Roberta Flack, Randy! Roberta. Flack. Not Robert Plant. How is that predictable?)
Paula: That is one of my all time favorite songs. You are now my second favorite person to perform it.
Simon. That was your best performance to date. Cowell and Cook win.

Well alrighty then.

Okay so the rest of the performances went like this:

Round Two: Contestant selection.

David A sang some hip hop song that made him look awkward and silly. The judges all but laughed and told him it wasn't believable. And it wasn't. It was awful.

Syesha basically did a strip tease to the song "Fever." Simon said, it was a "lame cabaret performance." It wasn't THAT bad. But it proves my whole theory that she is not cut out to be a contemporary recording artist.

David Cook sang a "Switchfoot" song. I love "Switchfoot," but it wasn't his best. Paula had the quirkiest comment about David Cook: There wasn't a beginning middle and end. Yeah. Ok.

Third round: producers pick

David A sang "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg which droned on L O N G E R than it should have. It was just all wrong on so many levels. I literally started to fall asleep during the song. What a buzzkill.
Randy said again "you can sing the phone book, you are in the zone, another hot one from you." What is he smoking. Randy, it was Dan Fogelberg. The song is played on adult oldie stations. It will never be hot. Tepid, maybe. Hot, never.

Paula said it was a lovely performance. Lovely! Lovely? Boys don't have lovely performances!

Simon said he wasn't going to criticize him, but the song and the lyrics were horrible. They were gooey. I'm sure David felt like he was the choir and Simon was a preachin. David had no say in the song selection.

Syesha sang some booty shaking tune that I think I've heard. Not sure what it was. All agreed that it was "a'ight" but they still don't know who she is as an artist. That's because she is really an actress who can sing.

David Cook sang "I don't want to Miss a Thing" made famous by Aerosmith. It was really really good.

For Randy it was just "a'ight." He's nuts. To use his words, it was "da bomb".
Paula stood giving him an ovation, also revealing that part of her blouse was leather or vinyl or rubber or what came to my mind," ugly." Nonetheless, she predicted with a sassy finger twirl that David C was going to the finals.
Simon then announced that David won the night.

And for the first time in weeks, I voted. And yes, for David Cook. Three times.

That's it. Gotta go. Peace out or whatever it is the "yutes" say these days.

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Gina said...

yes,debbie, actually, that is some serious blogger block. i'll love you through it, but you better have something else to blog about soon....

Kimberley said...

Wow, you are an incredible multi-tasker! Okay, I still haven't watched the show since there were 13 contestants, but somehow I still know exactly what's going on! (Thanks, in part, to you!) I will watch tonight and next week, however!

Emily Loria said...

HILARIOUS, but ever since Sanjaya left the show, it hasn't been the same for me.... ;) haa-haa-haaaaaaa.

Heather said...

Oh you gotta stop, girl. I got coffee coming out of my nose.

I couldn't agree more with your assessments. David Cook absolutely MUST win this thing.

Archuletta can only sing ballads (he looked so uncomfortable singing the Chris Brown song).

Sayesha is beautiful but has a future on Broadway, not in the recording studio.

David Cook can jump from Roberta Flack (love the song) to Switchfoot (LOVE the song) to Aerosmith (love it, but played way too much on the radio). He rocks, dawg.

Elena Manwaring said...

I am laughing out loud all alone, in my office. That was SO funny! Yep, Cook is the winner for sure. I actually think Archuletta has a better voice (Cook is constantly flat), but Cook is the true artist. He'll be big.

Lee Ann said...

Cook all the way. If I'd known you were going to type all that out for me I wouldn't have watched last night :-)

Kat said...

Debbie...you are too funny. Even with blog block. I had to leave the room when David A sang Folgerberg. Yuck. David A can sing...but he is not the commercial success that David C can deliver. Did you notice when David A sang that second song, he lost his voice as he "danced?" It's like he couldn't do both. And Syesha proved that Broadway is where she needs to be.

Sugar said...

David cook will win this! If he doesn't, I will go on an "I DEMAND DAVID COOK WON!" rampage. I'll start an angry mob. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Tiffany said...

Can you please do this every Wed....I can't stand the show right now... not sure why, but this way I can read you and laugh the whole way.

David Cook better win.

Trish said...

you are so funny!
I have not watched a single episode of AI, I just stay in the loop by coming to your blog every wednesday and then You Tubing (that's a verb, right?)
the perfomances.......

Ignore Gina, she just wishes she wasn't to old to try out for AI ;-)

Julie said...

I don't have to download and watch it now... thanks Debbie. It comes with commentary and all. I am completely satisfied! Thanks ;)

Julie said...

I don't have to download and watch it now... thanks Debbie. It comes with commentary and all. I am completely satisfied! Thanks ;)

Sissy said...

David singing that Chris Brown, we laughed soo hard. Not cut out for that.

WE LOVE DAVID COOK! Every time, every song. He should win.

Lula! said...

What Tiffany said. Word for word!

Awesome, girl!!!

Evi said...

I totally picture you sitting there at your computer, one knee up, in your jammies, thinking that you should really go finish the laundry or something, or blog something inspiring but you are glued to AI. Exactly how I would be.
We are so bad around here with those shows and the computer that my sister had actually rigged up a mirror beside the computer monitor, angled at the TV so she can 'multi-task'!
I'll love ya through it!
I think we need that cruise of Heathers!