Wednesday, August 6, 2008

School supplies and s....s

Warning: Finish eating first.

Yesterday was the big day to do our school supply shopping. This is our story.

There sits on an elevated corner in a neighboring town, The Three Wise Men: Mr. Kohl's, Mr. Tar Jay, and Mr. Costco. All sharing a parking lot. All sitting in their shiny five year old retail glory. Lording over their smelly brother Mr. Wal Mart that cowers just down the hill across a major road all by it's decades old lonesome, next to a worn out strip mall and Ms. Dolly Dollar Tree. The Three Wise Men also hold court with Lord Michael's, Princess Tuesday Morning, Mr. Staples, some grocery store whose name escapes me, Her Royal Highness Starbucks, Queen Quiznos, Captain Coldstone Creamery and The Reverend Room Store all of which sit in reverence across the street from the Big Three. The Three Wise Men are royal and regal; however, because of the tax free weekend we had in the state of Virginia on school supplies and clothes this past weekend, they were depleted of some things we needed on our list.

Oh No.

You know what that means.

We had to leave the presence of the Three Wise Men, cross the street, go down the hill, and pay a visit to their banished but rich brother Mr. Wal Mart. But before we braved the sights, sounds and smells of the WalMart. We paid another visit to royalty: Burger King who just so happens to guard Mr. Wal Mart. Think Barney Fife if you will. After we ate our fast food victuals, the minions, knowing Mama doesn't like germ-infested play castles, begged to play for a few minutes in said germ-infested play castle. I agreed and sat down with my diet coke (Sadly, no lemon wedge. It was Burger King after all.) and began to strategize how I would strip the kids down when we got home to get all the play area germies off. Oh and I need to get them to their shoes without them touching that disgusting floor. Hmm. Deep thoughts for sure.

So I sat and sipped, sat and sipped, la di da, thinking "dagnabit, I wish I had my book." In the background I hear Little Red Riding Hood say, "watch out for the s....s, Buddy." La di da...What did she say? Oh well. Probably just being bossy.

I continue to ponder what we are going to eat for dinner and vaguely hear LRRH's voice say "Buddy, stay away from the boog...."

Still deep in thought, la di da, I can't wait for football season. I'm not really ready for school to start...dum di dum.... I hear more talking in the background. "Buddy, stay away from the snots." Wait a minute. What did she just say?

And like a slow motion echo, this is what I hear:

"Buddy, Buddy, buddy, stay away, away, away from the snots, snots, snots."

The What? The Huh?

"LRRH, what did you just say?"

"Oh I was just telling Buddy to stay from the snots over here."

Everything came to a halt. Chewing stopped. Heads turned. Did she just say what I think she said?

Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, call the CDC and the fire department. And while you're at it get a bucket cause Mama's gonna hurl, and so is the lady next to me.

"Mom, I was telling Buddy to stay away from the snots in the corner."

"I heard you. I heard you. We all heard you."

"Get out of there NOW."

"But why?"

"We need to go home and shower."

Why, don't I seem to be able to leave my house without some gagifying bodily goo being part of the experience. Why? Why? Why? Didja ever see "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble?" Yeah, well that's gonna be us soon.

Never. Ever. Again.

Ever.

The End.


post signature

46 Comments:

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

Thank you for the Fairy land tale of your gross encounter...this is exactly why we don't go on those things...My DH has DS (4or5 at the time) at McD and the mgr over heard DH tell DS those things were gross...so he asked what he meant...and DH took the mgr over and showed him...ewwwwww

Kat said...

Ewwww! Yuck, yuck. Did I say yuck?! And that is just my sympathy for having to go to Walmart. The other stuff I don't have words for. Excpet maybe bleach.

{Anissa} said...

Be careful with those play thing -- I read about a 2 year that died from playing in those balls he was stuck by a needle with drugs and it killed him -- also a kid was bit to death by snakes at the bottom -- My kids know they can't go in that stuff -- So very nasty -- I have issue's with germs to. Walmat that is the only place to shop around here. So I'm always there what fun!~

Kathi said...

Ewwww! Yuck. I am right there with you sister....I ALWAYS hated my kids playing in those things...you know they are NEVER cleaned...and the worst part is that they want to eat and play and eat and play!

One good thing about the kids getting older...they are now all officially "too big" to play in there. Darn.

a future and a hope said...

Oh, gag. I'm a huge germophobe, too. We were over in that shopping center yesterday, as well. We ate at IHOP, though. If only you'd have gone to IHOP instead, I could be writing Angel and telling her I think that I saw her friend Debbie there. For realsies this time! ;-)

Gina said...

Only to be topped by the time my kids found a streak of poo on the slide at McD's. A thing of the past, my friend, a thing of the past. I won't even do the drive thru there anymore- don't even ask to go in. Ever. Not that one anyway.

Jenkins said...

Being familiar with that next of the woods, I must say that I am not surprised. I am pretty sure you can see the bugs flying a top the buildings, like flies over a road apple. That area needs some help.
Having fun scrubbing down and keeping things down.

Z's Mom said...

I so love the clever way you told your snot story. ;) You are too funny.....sorry about the snot! Yes, I can see how that would ruin a meal and make a shower necessary.

Tara said...

Oh my goodness!! That is pretty nasty! And I love your names for the stores. I think that Gina's comment tops it though. Seriously poop? I hope you picked up an extra bottle of bleach at WalMart.

Trish said...

First of all, Gross. And I mean that you had to go down the hill to the banished albeit rich brother, whose father is turning over in his grave with what the rich brother has turned his once wonderful business plan in to.

Secondly, about your tax free shopping weekend....what?
Here in WA we have a state sales tax, however, I live very close to OR where there is not a sales tax yet I still almost always shop in WA...........

Thirdly and finally, what is up with all the disgusting body fluid and earwax pickin encounters that you have had lately......YUCK.

Kimberly said...

Oh. My. Gosh. Yuck.
I don't know what else to say. I can handle most nasty things when I am forced to, but snot is one thing I have absolutely no tolerance for. The poor kids in my class are turned away to use a kleenex if they have snot sliding down their faces, let alone anywhere outside their bodies. EWWWW!!!
As for Big Bad Walmart...I hate going there, but they don't have limits on their cheap school supplies where a lot of the other places do, so unless I go to Wally World, I don't get to buy classroom sets of supplies...

Lynn - the piggy bank painter said...

Ew, ew, ewwwww....
I am so glad my girls are way past that age. And I was done with lunch. Great story, but really gross.

* I'm having a CONTEST! Have you entered yet? *

Lauren W said...

Eww. Gross.
Well, I mean, at least your kid's not the one who picks up handful, brings it over and says, "look what I found, Mom!"
I mean, come on, you know that happens.
But still. Gross.
And my deepest sympathies for needing to brave WalMart during a tax-free weekend. Talk about crazy!

Midwest Mommy said...

I love how you told this story however, I could have done without the ending (I am sure you would have preferred that too) :-)

Megan B said...

Thank you for reconfirming my ban on playlands for our family. That is so nasty. And I wish I had followed your advice to finish eating before I read it, LOL :)

Piggy said...

I thought you were going to say that you saw a big roach or something like we did last weekend after eating at McDonald's. Don't know if it was better that we noticed after or if it would've been better to notice before we got our food. We rarely go to McDonald's too and I can see why.

Amy said...

That is the EXACT reason I do not like to go to these sort of places...yuck, gross, gag me! I am so glad to know I am not the only one who is a germaphobe! :D

Carolina Mama said...

Thanks for sharing... I think. :/

Tracy P. said...

Good thing you didn't meet my husband 12 years ago because he would have married you instead of me. NOT that I would have reacted any differently from you to THIS incident, but my husband is seriously germaphobic, and me, well, life is just too short to expect perfect sanitation. (We do squirt with sanitizer afterwards lots of times.) He would seriously love you.

Bobbi said...

LMAO!!! You just made my day!

HeathahLee said...

GAAAAAHHH! I DETEST those play places for that very reason! I see all the nasty germs just waiting to pounce on my kid, and I want to hurl. If that means I'm a germophobe, so be it. I will embrace it with freshly sanitized hands.

EEEEMommy said...

At least it wasn't a snake. Still, that's gross!

Elena said...

Funny, funny, as always Miss Debbie. I loved your royal family of stores. Too cute. And as for playlands...ughhh...they are nasty. Why do kids love to play in them so much? They stink and are filthy. I've witnessed a kid puking in one (not my child), we hightailed it out of there. I think we left the food sitting on the table and everything.

Mamasphere said...

I though the s word was going to be a four letter word, so snot is better. But snot is still disgusting!

Gramma 2 Many said...

I was going to say something about your stories,but Tricia beat me to it. Earwax, snot....what more can you regal us with? It is a tossup which is worse.

Michelle said...

Ohhhhh boy! That is so rough. And so gross. And SOOOO why I am with you on not playing in the play areas. So yuck. I feel like *I* need a shower now!

Karin @ 6ByHisDesign said...

I don't really even know what to say. You're grossing me out. And I've seen Gramma2Many's granddaughter's foot spiked with a pitchfork. You guys are gross. Gross. Gross. Gross.

But I love ya. So am I gross by association?
~k

Karen said...

Oh yuck !!!

I even hate walking down the street around here. People spit on the pavement ... makes me sick to my stomach.

Jennifer P. said...

So glad you're back to your old self Miss Debbie ;)! I needed a good laugh tonight. At least it was only snot and not vomit or poop!

I have taken years to pinpoint the source of the curious smell in Wal Mart: pee, tubriculosis, and popcorn chicken. Yup. That's it.

Julie said...

Okay Debbie... you might not be able to come visit us in Hungary. I can beat all your stories with one that hasn't left my head... oh my. I was turning the corner to go to my street and the girl in front of me stopped with her little boy. I got annoyed and went around her to turn only to see a homeless man just pooped next to the building... and still squating... was inching his way across the sidewalk to get grass to wipe himself. I was stunned. And didn't know what to do. It was foul and I was so surprised it was so close to main paths with people. But if you are homeless, and drunk you aren't thinking that way. YUCK YUCK YUCK

sorry if I grossed you out too much

Blee said...

Brilliant post..! Well, thanks for sharing your story about school supplies shopping.

Piggy said...

Can you believe that the day after you posted that message, I was just out walking the "piggy" and we squat down to play with some leaves...little did I know that I was squatting over some sort of mucous, but she rubbed her finger in it?!?! I rushed her home and scrubbed her hands with antibacterial soap with the little beads and immediately posted this comment 'cause I thought of you right away when it happened. That was sooo gross!

Debbie said...

Ummm. I think some of your stories top mine, ahem Julie and Piggy!!!

Connie said...

The whole thing is just wrong. I'd love to know the brilliant being who thought, "aha...let's mix eating with playing on dirty play equipment...and go against everything their parents have ever taught them about washing their hands before dinner and sitting down to eat a meal!"
I love your choice of words describing SNOT as the "gagifying bodily goo". You are too funny.

Kimba said...

Blah!!!!! I despise those things!!! Gross! Gross! Gross!

We have a indoor play center nearby called Seabase. I call it Germbase. I'm convinced that's where my kids picked up Hand/Foot/Mouth last year.

Lauren W said...

Ha! I'm always really happy when I get comments on my layout. I'm kinda a junkie when it comes to things like that. Anyway, I don't know know html. As in, I can't write it from scratch, but I know what the different tags mean (for the most part). So I just manipulate whatever I want to change until it comes out right :)

Jen - Balancing beauty and bedlam said...

Ahh....a bedlam event after my own heart.:) I have been pondering if I should share what really happened in my own home, but after reading all your commentors and see a theme of TYPE A germaphobs, it may be a bit too gross. I'll have to pondered. Thanks for the suggestion to add knobs to our cabinet redo...you are 100% right. That will really make it pop. She's saving her pennies since there are lots of knobs and only a few pennies.:)

Jenni said...

I am not nearly as germaphobe as you (which comes from being married to a scientist who thinks germ exposure increases immune defense) but I did draw the line when my kids where playing in a McD play structure and came out saying there was a rainbow bun inside. Eww. All I can say is, how long must a bun sit in there to achieve rainbow mold?

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

See what happens when you get Wal-M*rt involved in anything... BAD THINGS!!!

Now - look on the bright side - you're boosting your kids immune systems.

Nik said...

Oooooh nooooo! Yeah with Itchy's allergies - we AVOID food playgrounds because of the crumbs or other unknown substances you find in them.

You should have called for re-inforcements though....whew that was a close one.

Kathi said...

Oh my goodness I can relate to this. I will not tell you what we found up at the top of the "kiddy castle," but it not only looked bad; it smelled bad.

It's one of those things you think you'd learn from, but we did a repeat when our little trailer Garrett was born. We did the whole thing all over again, and yes, it smelled bad. We learned this time, FINALLY!!! I feel like I want to go shower right now, just talkin' about it. Have a good evening. Every time I have a diet Coke with lemon, I think of you, Debbie. Smile, Kathi

Kelly said...

I am sending over rubber gloves, the gas mask, and 10 gallons of anti fungal gel!

Missy said...

I love LRRH's name for the slimy nose by-product! And how it echoed in your ears! Classic Debbie! I was never a germophobe until I realized that the baby and I were both sick about 1 day after I'd gone to the gym, every single time. I'm sure that is the fault of Wal-Mart...somehow, some way.

Melissa Lester said...

Oh, how I've missed your blog. We have been out of town for 10 days, and I've got a lot of catching up to do here. You are such a funny girl! You are the type of mom I would love to sit next to at soccer practice. You are a great conversationalist, and I'm sure you would have us all laughing non-stop!

Mrs. Jones said...

I know where you're talking about! Isn't shopping there with crowds for school supplies and kids just a fun time for all?

And don't even get me started on the germs. Eewwwww!

~Heather

MoziEsmé said...

Ewww! But life is like that with kids . . .