Monday, August 4, 2008

Today

Today.
Oh, today.
Today just plain sucked.
Today, I feel like spilling my guts to all of you.
But today isn't the time.
Because today I reminded myself a hundred times that I vowed not to bring family junk into this space that I view as my respite, my outlet, my place to laugh and make you laugh.
But today I don't feel like laughing.
Because today I've spent crying.
Today I had a horrible fight with my mother over family issues that have lingered for five years.
And today I realized that she will never, ever get it.
So today I give up. And no she doesn't read my blog. Hasn't for months.
But today I read a couple of yours; however, now I just feel like crawling into bed.
So today I just want to tell you that I'm not ignoring you.
It's just that today really really sucked.



"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."
Psalm 143:8 (NIV)


There will be restoration and healing. That is His promise. God is good.


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44 Comments:

Z's Mom said...

Oh,Debbie, I'm sorry you had a bad day!!! I totally understand. I try not to blog when I'm angry....or upset.....

I hope you have a better day tomorrow!!!

Thanks for stopping by today....when I'm sure you didn't feel like it. That means a lot!

Missy said...

Family issues are by far the most difficult, because there is so much at stake.
Usually I can manage to blog about things that are just semi-bad, but for the real-deal doozies I just don't even try.
Debbie, after getting to "know" you through your blog, I realize that it has to be pretty bad for you to give up. You are a woman of great faith and I hope you are able to find peace with this situation.
Your bloggy friends will be here for you, just tell us what you need!

Midwest Mommy said...

I am so sorry.
I hope things get better and we are all hear to listen if you need us :-)

a future and a hope said...

Oh, how I can relate!!!!!!!! Just this afternoon I banged out a draft for my blog re: my very poor relationship with my very unreasonable mother. Unfortunately, she does read my blog. I didn't give her the addy but I guess another family member did. I still might publish my post ~ maybe she'll back off. As my husband says "if it ain't one thing, it's your mother!" (he says that about his mom too). Sigh.

Karin @ 6ByHisDesign said...

I know there are messages I want to write sometimes that I just wish I could 'journal' on this computer thing and yet maintain anonymity. I thought about this even tonite as I drove home. There are things I sometimes want to say that I don't want my real life people to know, but maybe the friends in my computer could hear it and grasp it with me. It's strange, this blogotherapy we've found. I do pray, Dear Friend, that you find peace beyond understanding in the midst of your real life situation. And please know that the friends you've found in your computer don't have to know the whole story to understand that you are hurting and to lift you up in prayer. Someone in the Midwest is sending a prayer up for you even now. I'm so sorry I can't do more. May tomorrow be a better day.

Kat said...

I am so with Karin. Sometimes I wish my family didn't know about my blog so that I wouldn't have to censor myself. I know that is not what you are doing...but venting with understanding friends is so cathartic. As is crawling back into bed with some chocolate and a diet coke.

Lindsay said...

You were featured on SITS awhile ago and your blog stuck with me. I was so sad because I forgot to bookmark it. But I found it tonight and I'm so glad! Maybe there is a reason why because I just want to tell you that I know exactly how you feel. It is so painful to have a disfunctional relationship with someone you need so much and to watch other Mother-daughter duos have the love that you painfully wish you had. All you can do is be the Mom to your children that you would want for yourself. Be strong and know that you are loved!

Megan said...

Some day I need to understand the full family story from you. I often play devil's advocate, so maybe I could help you see something new from your mom's point of view? At least maybe talk through helping to deal with the reality of the people we have been given and finding some way to keep on loving them. So sorry such a bad day. Let's get together!

Michelle said...

I really hate days that make me feel like that. Here's hoping that sleep and some company from home helped perk you up a bit. *hugs*

This Mom said...

So sorry you had a bad day. Hope tomorrow is better. I totally get the mom thing. I always am having expectations that I know she can never achive I am work accepting what she can give. I am always aroung if you need an ear.

{Anissa} said...

Sending you a big hug and much love -- Sorry you had such a bad day hope everything works out.

Amy said...

Sometimes I think we have bad days in order to appreciate the good ones more. I hope you have a better day tomorrow...smile!! :)

Brian and Staci said...

Love the Senior pic :) Lonnng day...so, I'll be brief...but I had to check in on one of my favorite blogger :) I didn't think I'd ever stay home because I loved my job so much as a dental hygienist...I know, I know, CARAZYYYY! But I did...but I also never knew how much I could love such a little person either! Wouldn't trade it for the world...even after this hectic day. I'm grateful for the chaos and God really does watch out for us! Hopefully I'll blog about it tomorrow!

Brian and Staci said...

OOPS! I am sooo sorry...my computer is doing crazy things and I though I was posting on Kat's. I tried posting on your's a few minutes ago and it wouldn't let. I am so sorry for your day...I've had a crazy one myself today. I hope tomorrow is better for you...
From--Mrs. Oklahoma :)

Karen said...

I'm so sorry that you've had a bad say with your Mum.

I realised a few years ago, that my Mum will never, ever get it.

Once that sunk in,I was able to top beating my head against that particular brick wall. put my faith in God and find a measure of peace.

Here's hoping that tomorrow will be a better day and if you need to vent, then do so. Many of us have been there.

*HUGS*

Jennifer P. said...

ah Debbie---we all know you're human and don't expect you to make us laugh all the time. I know it's probably not a very good thought, or good advice, or whatever----but I would honestly give anything to have another fight with my mom. I know how difficult it must be to drag the past out into the light with your mom, but I hope you find some comfort in the gratitude that at least she's still here to fight with.

Remembering you in my prayers and wishing you peace.

Lula! said...

Your candor never fails to impress me...encourage me...motive me.

Lemme know when you crawl out of bed. Take all the time you need. I'll be here...praying Lamentations 3:22, 23 over your sweet life.

Courtney said...

i'm so sorry, debbie. praying for you...

Kathi said...

Debbie,
I'm so sorry to hear about your day. Our Moms have a way of really "socking it to us"....and making us feel 15 all over again. My own Mom is very nice, but we are not close at all. She doesn't get the whole Christianity thing. (No, she doesn't read my blog either, but my Dad does.) We had a big blow up 3 years ago when she did something very hurtful to me. During our conversation, I finally was able to tell her how I was really feeling.

Guess what? Even after that, things didn't really change. She loves me, but doesn't seem to want to have a closer Mother/Daughter relationship. For years I longed for the kind of Mom who was involved in my life....you know those Moms of your friends that you know?? God helped me to realize that I can't change her. I can only change me. Which I have. I try to be the kind of daughter I'd hope for. I also no longer let her remarks or actions hurt me the way they used to. She is who she is and I am who I am.

I am just praying that my relationship with my own daughter will be much different / better than mine and my Mom's.

I am praying for you this morning. Hang in there. The sun will shine again.

Tracy P. said...

Hugs to you, Debbie! You've got your focus right. Glad you found your sense of humor this morning, even if you had to dig it out of the archives--memory is a blessing!

Meagan said...

Praying for you...that "the God of all comfort" (2 Cor 1:3-4) will give you peace and strength.

Hope you have a better day!

Barry said...

I'm sorry Debbie!

Barry

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Alright pumpkin - you bring the dip, I'll bring the diet cokes and we'll drown our Mom sorrows, okay? Big hugs sweetie and always a listening ear if you need one.

Connie said...

Oh Debbie, I'm sorry you had a bad day. I can feel your pain... there's nothing like realizing that "they will never get it". I'm praying that God gives you the grace to forgive and move forward despite the circumstances...(since forgiveness is an action we chose to do.) By any chance have you notice these "over 40" hormones affecting how you react to things? I have been noticing this with myself lately... I have no answers but I feel your pain.

Kelly said...

hey Debbie, oh all of us have been there and some of us still are !!! lol......but that is what we are all here for to tell you it is ok, and to say a prayer for you and to know you have a friend in all of us!!! I hope you are feeling better, and it seems to really hit home when it is your Mom, I have told my Mom over and over that I pray one day she * gets it* who I am ...what I am about.....it makes me so sad to feel she doesn't really know my heart......and we have lived together ALL our lives......now if you don't know a person after living with them for 39 years, wow! I am still prayin'!

love ya!!!!
kelly

Megan B said...

Sooooooo been there, sister. Exactly there for the same reason.

Jaci said...

Fights with mom are always fun, huh? Take a deep breath and know that you are loved by many people. Take care of yourself, hun!

Teri said...

I've had my share of the "issues" with my mom, also. I finally decided to move on. Tough decision, but the right one for ME. I hope today is much better for you.

Rene said...

I'm sorry you're having these issues. I have constant issues with my mother and sometimes it's just easier not to talk to her at all. I know that doesn't solve anything but dagnabbit I just can't ingest anymore chocolate to deal with the stress!! I agree with a commenter up above that all you can do is be the mom to your kids that you want for yourself. Romans 8:28 is always my salvation when I start getting overwhelmed with the drama my mom causes in my life. I'm praying the truth of that scripture can wrap you up and give you some comfort. Hang in there sister!

EEEEMommy said...

I understand family issues! The past few years God has been teaching me to forgive when no apologies are made and the other people don't even think they need to be forgiven. Not at all an easy thing to do, but possible through Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit. What I've discovered is that waiting for that apology that never came or continuing to hope that someday the other person would understand only made me sick. It hasn't been an easy road, and there are still times I want to cling to my hurt feelings; there are still times I cry all day, but they don't happen quite as much as they used to. I'll be praying for you!

Piggy said...

<*BIG HUG*>

I respect you for keeping your family problems private. I didn't have a close relationship with my mother growing up, but we were closer than ever before prior to her recent passing over the holidays right after I gave birth to her first grandchild. I miss her dearly now that we can relate. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Carrie Thompson said...

We are living in my parents home, by our choice partly to help them financially and partly because I thought it might help my relationship with my mom! Wellll..... to be honest I can probably tell you a lot of days suck and I feel totally for you. I will say that although I dont believe our relationship is growing very much because like you said "she just doesnt get it" but I am growing, my relationship with my hubbie is growing and I have a live in, daily example of what I dont want with my kids! So learn from it whatever it is, dont harbor resentment and know I am praying for you because I will just tack your name behind mine when I pray for dealing with moms!

Fit Healthy and Happy said...

Hope tomorrow is a better day!

Mrs. Jones said...

You can cry on our shoulders any time. We're here for that too. Hang in there, girl!

~Heather

Gramma 2 Many said...

Sweetheart, I am so sorry you had a bad day. Just one little thought. Maybe your mother is crying also.

Heather said...

I know this was a few days ago, but I missed it and felt sad. I still want to give you big, big hugs.

Life With My 3 Boybarians said...

Sending you *hugs* and love.

Kimba said...

Debbie,

I obviously don't know exactly what has made you sad. But I do know what it is to struggle with family strife. I am about to go have a little quiet time and I'm going to be praying for you and your family.

I love that I don't even need to know the situation to pray for you. Our Lord knows and that's all that matters.

Kim

Nik said...

Oh no - I'm so sorry to hear ya'll went through an argument. I had a recent blow up with my family a few years ago and it's never hurt more than anything...especially since I am an only child.

Hang in there hun...you've always got us babbling fools.

Melissa said...

Dysfunction in the family is always stressful. I can relate. I'm so sorry you were feeling blue. I will be praying.....:)

Melissa said...

Dysfunction in the family is always stressful. I can relate. I'm so sorry you were feeling blue. I will be praying.....:)

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Hey pooh bear - just wanted to jump back on this post and give you some lovin!!! I hope things are going better.

Kathi said...

I'm so sorry you had a bad day Debbie. Family can be the most hurtful at times. You have the right attitude and I like your verses. You ROCK, sister. We might not be related, but we's sisters in the Lord, so "We Are Family..." as the song goes. Love ya sis, Kathi

Melissa Lester said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, Debbie. I know I am a few days behind reading this, and I hope time has already brought some healing. You are an amazing person, and I'm here to pray and offer encouragement. True friends can laugh together, cry together, then laugh together again. So here's to keeping it real!